If you’re looking for a post of food, fun, fitness, or frugality, please come back another day. This is a stream of consciousness of my raw emotions and raw thought. It’s long. You may not care to read it. This is for me.
Do dreams ever die? Can a dream truly die or does one just become disillusioned, disenchanted with reality?
I used to have a dream. A dream that I thought would incorporate a lifelong passion, a dream that I thought was destined to be mine. I don’t believe many out there in the blog world know this about me, but I am (or was) a very serious musician. I was a flutist. I wanted to play the flute ever since I was in 3rd grade and heard a Christmas song at a Pizza Hut that had a flute in it, and I wanted to play that, make those sounds. I started playing the flute in fifth grade. There was a band “open house” night, where the band director and several high school students came with instruments so we could try them out and see what was best for us. I naturally headed straight for the flute, and I was able to play a beautiful sound right away on the headjoint, something the band director told me was very rare.
This began my journey of loving the flute. I didn’t immediately begin practicing hours and hours a day. I suppose I was too rational, balancing homework and other fun things I liked to do. But I did enjoy playing. And I was good at it, which always makes anything better. I always was the best, always different from the rest. Throughout middle school and high school I was always sitting first chair flute in bands grades above me. I joined extracurricular youth orchestras, and soon rose to the best there, too.
I had always said this was what I wanted to do. There were never any other options for me. I never even wanted to be a school music teacher, that wasn’t for me. I wanted to play the flute, my entire life, be a professional flutist, play in orchestras, maybe do solo concerts, maybe some recordings, do some flute teaching on the side.
I began to practice a lot more in high school. I got so much more serious about it. I won competitions, I got to perform solo performances with orchestras, I got to travel to different states for various camps and I loved it. I loved learning new music, I loved playing. Everyone always said the expressive playing was the best in my playing. While other kids were sitting pounding out the notes, I was creating music.
As I got more serious, I planned for my college auditions. I never gave a second thought to majoring in anything except flute performance in college. I excelled at my auditions. I got accepted to my top choice school, Indiana University, which had one of the best music schools in the nation, even internationally. But I just couldn’t do it, I could not justify putting myself in that much debt for my undergrad. “I’ll save it for my graduate degree” I thought.
My senior year of high school was also the year I began a much greater deepening of my faith in Jesus Christ. I remember thinking the day I finally realized I wasn’t going to be going to IU (and don’t think I didn’t try, gosh, my mom and I were pursuing endless options, on the phone constantly, applying for endless scholarships). But the day it finally hit that I wouldn’t be able to go to IU, I remember thinking “I wonder if this is because God is saving me the trouble of going through all this expense for something that I wouldn’t end up doing”. I immediately chastised myself for thinking such a thought, banished the thought from my head, and more than likely promptly returned to practicing.
College began. I was so eager and anxious to get away to college, I was SO much more than ready to begin the journey of taking actual, tangible steps to reach my dream. I knew it was going to take hard work, I was prepared. At least I thought I was.
I remember (a while ago I looked it up in an old journal) that I wrote on October 18, 2005 (just a couple months after starting college), that I didn’t think flute performance was quite for me. I wasn’t sure, it was just this feeling that I had. I prayed a ton about it and really felt like God was leading me in a different direction. I just didn’t know what exactly that direction was yet.
Concrete moments in time kind of get muddled at this point. I soon after began dating my now-husband (we knew before we started dating that one day we’d get married though, long story, not this story). I began talking with my mom all the time about not being sure what I wanted to do. I began feeling burned out, overwhelmed, and like all I wanted to do was escape music. I didn’t know what to do.
I explored other areas of interest. This was really hard for me at first, because while I was really smart (I think I gradated 12 out of a high school class of 450 or something like that), I had always thought that I really wasn’t that great at anything besides flute. But I explored options anyway. I realized I was interested in cooking, baking, and was even more surprised to discover my fascination with nutrition. Unfortunately my college didn’t even offer a minor in nutrition, let alone a major to do with anything related to nutrition. Surprising for such a large college. I realized I was interested in event planning (still am, confirmed by what I’m currently doing). However, I didn’t want to lose all my music scholarships from back home, and have to stay at school that much longer to switch to an Event Management degree. I was also interested in Music Therapy, but not a single music therapy class was offered.
So I just dropped my degree down a notch. From a bachelor’s of flute performance to a general B.A. in Music, adding a minor in Religious Studies. This ended up enabling me to graduate in 3 years.
During that time my husband and I also got engaged, and then got married after college. I still maintain that it was one of the easiest decisions ever, and the only certain thing I knew to do in/ with my life.
However now I am sitting here, wondering what’s to come of me. I want to have a passion like that again, and I want it to be something I can make a career out of. I always believed that you were wasting your life if you were just doing a 9-5 job just to pay the bills. I wanted to LIVE my life and LOVE every minute of it. There are definitely many paths I could take, many different things I know I could be successful at, and probably enjoy doing. “So what’s the problem?” The problem is I don’t want to have any regrets.
I am completely aware that at this point fear of regretting something later on is completely immobilizing me to making any permanent decisions. But I don’t want to live a life of regrets. I don’t want to pursue one career only to later on always wonder “what if…” or wish I had pursued a more solid career, one in a much more stable field. Like take my mom – my mom is great at what she does, and really loves what she does and feels she’s in the right field, but there are still moments where she wonders what would have happened if she had pursued her musical passion (she was (and still is) a wonderful vocalist).
I think a lot of people think I’m making a big deal out of nothing, just because I have a career in one area doesn’t mean that I can’t still keep flute/ music in my life. But as I was talking to my mom on the phone tonight, I realized that I have a complete “all or nothing” attitude when it comes to fluting (yes it’s a verb lol). I have always thought amateur flutists were kind of silly and lame. I thought they considered themselves amateur and faily good at the flute when I thought they kind of stunk. Plus, I know how I can play, I know how I’ve played before, and I have very high standards. I don’t want to sell myself as a flutist or a flute teacher (which I have also done a lot of in the past) because I know I am not the best that I can be right now. I feel like I’m being dishonest by performing or teaching, knowing that I’m not at the level I could be at if I practiced like crazy and made it my life again. (I think that was also part of the problem – music, er flute, was my complete life and when I started a closer relationship to Jesus, I realized that wasn’t healthy. However, as can be imagined, the past years of searching for what to do and trying to rely on faith alone have taken a toll and I am definitely a little shriveled right now).
So what to do. Is this the dying of a dream? Is this just another “crisis” type moment I’m experiencing as I continue to try to figure out my “calling” in life? Am I just hugely making too big of a deal? I really don’t know. All I know is I have absolutely no idea what to do with my career options. I’ve thought about going to grad school, and I think part of me would really like to go to grad school. I’ve thought about picking up flute again, pursuing it relentlessly and making it a career. Go to grad school for it (if I could even get in anywhere at this point), become a professional. But am I truly done? Am I really just not cut out for it? And what of my future family? I want to choose where I want to live, and not just be at the mercy of the rigorous audition process of the very slim flute openings available! I want my future kids to experience being around family! I want to be able to cook nutritious meals for my future family every night, and I want to be there at night to tuck them in, take care of them. I don’t want to have to leave Ross to take care of the kids because I’m off at rehearsal or at a concert or teaching lessons.
I really just don’t know.
haha and I never even touched on dealing with “post-music” life now….I hate meeting up with people who used to know me as a flutist and nothing but. Whether it be an old director or an old friend, I almost get embarassed, ashamed that I don’t know what career path to pursue anymore.
Anyway. Thus ends my stream-of-consciousness.
I thought about disabling comments on this one but decided to leave them up. Usually I love any and all comments, but y’all? On this one, could you please only comment if you really have something to say? No “aw it’ll be ok LC!” cuz seriously, last thing that I need. I love you all dearly, and know you’ll understand. If you read that and if you comment, thanks in advance, I appreciate the (long) time you took to read this non-food, fun, fitness, frugal related post! And if you did read this and do desire to comment something applicable/ advice/ been there done that, it truly touches my heart that people out there are taking a moment out of their days for me. Thanks so much. Food, fun, fitness, and frugality will be back in full force asap, I promise. 
hi Mrs. LC!
I know I don’t comment a lot (more of an email girl) but wanted to say hi.
your quote:
“the past years of searching for what to do and trying to rely on faith alone have taken a toll and I am definitely a little shriveled right now…”
Sweetie we totally feel shriveled a lot. I am 37 and sometimes in life you will have moments of “what if” and “I’m a pile of mush from waiting to see what happens” hehe… but these times are usually followed by moments of “holy cow I am so thankful, wowza if only I knew then that THIS was where God would put me… whoah.” I have had HUGE moments like that.
The point I guess I am trying to make is that NO WAY are you wasting your life if you are just “paying the bills” right now cause you might just be surprised. Living and loving and creating friendships and showing people the love of Jesus in WHATEVER you do, is never, ever a waste of time, promise. God can us that musical talent in the weirdest and most wonderful ways, sweetie!
I have a degree in Psychology and I loved my field of study and even thought maybe I’d be a counselor. Well… then I got married (best decision EVER) and we had a baby and I have learned that who cares if anybody thinks you should be “doing” something else. Skip a few years ahead and I got into fitness and now YOGA (loooove it) and guess what? 15 years later I am teaching private yoga classes and having the most incredible conversations (like a counselor!) and never dreamed THIS is what I was supposed to do? WHO KNEW? not me!! Sometimes I think God walks us through the county fair and we see all these rides to get on and yet we don’t want to get on the wrong one.. and then while eating a corn dog (hehe) we realize that walking through the fair WAS the ride and now just eating this corn dog is WAY more fun than any ferris wheel.
Okay, I have NO idea where that anaology came from, but I bet you get it. You are such a dear heart and at the end of the day… you can SHINE for Jesus doing many things. What counts is that you shine. I always felt like God was telling me “wait, be patient, and be surprised” and man was HE right!
My life has had many ups and downs but all along I was held by grace and mercy and love. You have much to look forward to and the fact that you share your heart shows that your heart is open and ready for the mundane, sweet, normal and suprising moments ahead. Blessings to you, sweetie. XOXO
Wow L.C. I can relate on many levels…. I’ve had so many ups and downs with skating, and sometimes I have been so close to quiting….but wanting to prove people wrong, still loving to skate, not wanting to have regrets and what-ifs……and also always being known as “the crazy committed figure skater”….well, even after a really rough season..I can’t do it. I still want to skate. I still feel like I have so much further to grow…and so much more to show.
I’m a lot younger than you, and not married……so I don’t know if I have any sort of valuable advice. I really love Polly’s comment though. I just wanted to say to try to follow your heart. And it’s very true that when the time starts for you to have a family- you certainly don’t want to miss family dinners and tucking your kids into bed for rehearsals and concerts. I know that I can’t skate forever…and I’ve decided to give it my all when I can…but at some point, my body won’t be able to handle it anymore…and my life will have other priorities.
I am totally a perfectionist and an all-or-nothing person as well….so I definitely can connect with how you are feeling.
I’m sorry I can’t be of any help, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason.
What-if’s are no fun, and I truly believe that nobody is ever too old to dream, and thus make that dream into goals.
I know you will be wonderful at whatever you do in life, and I think you’re an amazing person.
Take care, and look forward!
Lindsey.
This is kind of long, sorry…
I started off knowing you as a fellow flutist. Girl, you were RIGHT there with me- you were a chair ahead of me in high school at that LSU camp!! I swear, at that summer camp, I though to myself “This girl is tremendously better than me, I feel so stupid sitting next to her”. I was jealous that you played your piccolo solos so well, and I wanted to learn from you, and I have learned from you! We ended up going to college together and I am so lucky I had you with me. You helped me survive UCF, and you were a fantastic duet partner. I know what happened to you at UCF. You needed to be there, because you wouldn’t have found Ross at IU. But you also got pushed away from the flute, and that is not fair. (We both know what that can be attributed to… I won’t mention names here) I want you to keep playing, and I want ME to keep playing, so we need to play together. I am JUST like you: I am either a full-fledged professional flutist, or I’m not a flutist at all. I’m like that in EVERYTHING. So, here’s what we are going to do. Because I think there is a reason we are both blogging and in touch right now- and that is that we need each other to play the flute with. We can definitely take turns like you said, driving. Like I said in one of my posts today- when I play, I get inspired to do a lot of other creative things. I think you may be hindering your creative spirit, which is much needed for food creations and event planning, and when you start practicing and playing with other people again, who knows what direction that will take you in! I realize that you must be out of shape- we all know that even one day of not playing hurts our sound. BUT you can fix it- you have the tools and the brains to make the great sound and music that you used to. Lucky for us, we have played since we were young and therefore we will always be able to rekindle that talent. You took the time to learn about Jesus/God in college, and now you can realize that God is letting you explore this option again because you have your man, you have a job you enjoy, and you still feel like something is missing. You are smart- if you wanted to make a career or partial career out of it, you’d figure out a way to keep your future kids as close to you as they would be no matter what job you had.
We are musicians. We are not amateurs, we never will be. Don’t ever think of yourself as that- because you have already experienced what it’s like to be GOOD and all you have to do is be reinspired. That’s why I think you should come with me to Florida Flute Fair tomorrow and Saturday!!! I will call you tonight. If you have time, I want to make it happen. You will love FFA, because it’s a part of you, and no matter how much you tuck it away, the flute is always going to be there- so you might as well accept that!! It’s just like accepting that you have blonde hair. You can dye it, but the roots are going to show eventually.
Talk to you soon, Lindsey. I am glad you posted your thoughts tonight. I am here for you and I know you’ll be there for me too.
Love,
Megan
hi mrs. LC!
honestly, i wish that i knew someone who had gone through this and made the right choice and then never regretted it. or at least i wish that i knew HOW to find out which one is the right choice, or which steps to take to ensure that you will never regret any of your choices. but i don’t.
all i can say though, is that i can relate. i really can. even at 21 years of age (and not married or even close to choosing a career), i can still relate. it seems as if there are all these things that i want and that i know i would be happy doing each of them, but at the same time, i’m so afraid that i’ll look back on my life (when i’m older) and think, “oh boy.. if only i had _____.”
and like you, i think i also have an all-or-nothing personality – not necessarily in music, but in other aspects of my life.
you see, i grew up with a mother who stayed at home and took care of me. i grew up in a very traditional and strict chinese family where the men worked and the women stayed at home to raise the kids. however, i have an especially close relationship with my mom, and i absolutely adore my family. i credit this to my mom always being there for me whenever i needed her, to talk to me, listen to me, and to guide me through unconditional love and selflessness. and when i think about it, that is what i want my kids to experience, too.
i know i’m a bit young to even talk about this right now, but i’ve always been a planner and always think ahead. anyways, but at the same time, i always thought that i wanted to heal the world and make it a better place. i wanted to treat people, to heal people, to take care of people. i wanted to be a doctor.
if i were to be a doctor, though, i’d want to be one where i could give it my all. but at the same time, i’d like to have a family – one where i take care of my kids all the time, am there for them when they come home from school, make them nutritious and healthy snacks and meals, listen to them, talk to them, console them and instill in them the good morals that i was surrounded with. that, to me, would mean that i’m a full time stay at home mom.
yes, that sounds fine and dandy – i can be a doctor and then quit when i become a mom. but do i really want to? do i really want to spend that much time in medical school, to work that hard, to fall in love with one specialty and pursue it til my last breath, only to give it all up to have children?
i’m afraid that if i do decide to become a doctor and attend medical school, i will suddenly refuse to have children (even if i really really wanted them), because i’d feel like i’m giving up too much of myself by quitting after finishing medical school.
but i’m also afraid that if i don’t pursue medical school and instead, graduate with a bachelor’s in psychology and that’s it, then i’m not pushing myself to my extreme. and then i’m afraid that one day, i’ll look back and wish that i had gone to medical school.
but if i go, i’m afraid that one day, i’ll look at someone else’s children and think, “i wish i had my own.”
asl;a g;algkjagkljaerw giogm *sigh*.
all i can do is offer you my hugs and dear wishes.
and if you ever find a remedy or a path on how to guarantee a life without regrets, please let me know.
ugh oh honey. my thoughts on the subject are: life sucks and work does, too. i know thats not very encouraging, but i kind have experienced the same situation. i love to write. i used to even write for the wall street journal classroom edition while i was in college! now im stuck in a technical writing job that i like, but its not my “calling.” it sucks a lot of my creativity and time, when all i really want to do is sit in a dusty attic and poop out a great novel.
i think this is one of the challenges of being an adult (boo). you have to balance reality with your dreams. i think the saddest thing is when someone gives up their dreams entirely, just to function in reality. even if continuing your love of music just means jamming out with ross to a great cd, so be it. but never, ever let that passion fade! otherwise, we’re just corporate zombies.
wish i had a better answer for you!
“He is your CONSTANT SOURCE OF STABILITY; He abundantly provides safety and GREAT WISDOM; He gives all this to those who fear Him.”
Isaiah 33:6 NET
Lindsey,
I’m definitely one of those people who knew you as a flutist in high school, but, looking back, I don’t think I ever used that to characterize your entire identity. I don’t think you should do that either, but I can relate to what you are saying to some extent.
I took A LOT of math/science classes in high school with the intention of majoring in pre-pharmacy or pre-med in college. I ended up having a COMPLETE change of mind before my sophomore year started and had to abandon everything I’d worked so hard for in high school, and every dream I’d ever had to pursue education. At this point I felt so lost and didn’t know who I was anymore because the person I’d identified with my entire life was being pushed aside and “wasted” while I pursued something else. I’ve gotten a lot better at accepting that this is the path I was meant to take in my life but sometimes I do feel a twinge of regret when I talk to people who are applying to med school or pharmacy school. It’s been hard but it took something bigger inside me to be able to pursue what I LOVED and not necessarily what I’d been good at my entire life. I had the same experience giving up the idea of swimming in college or competitively after high school. Does that make sense?
I think we tend to identify with who we were in high school and who we thought we were supposed to become in college. The reality of it is, though, that the point of college is to let you into the real world a little bit and let you change into an adult. It’d be silly to expect to have the same goals in life at the end of college that we did at the end of high school.
I don’t think you giving up your flute dreams is in any way indicative that you were not “cut out” to do that with your life. I think if you wanted to, you’d be hugely successful at it. It’s not a matter of if you’re good enough, it’s a matter of following what will make you happy and fit with your future plans (such as having a family).
You’ll be successful in whatever you choose to do! Moving on (not giving up) from one dream is nothing to be ashamed for. It shows you’re growing as a person and following your heart.
I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the show RENT: “Forget regret or life is yours to miss”
I hope this helps
Can’t wait to see you soon!
Ryan
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and HE WILL SHOW YOU WHICH PATH TO TAKE.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLV)
I LOVE YOU!!
Mrs. LC,
I applaud your honesty, and since all bloggers know how hard it is to put something out into the public, we appreciate you posting even when you’re not sure how your readers will react!
I, too, studied flute for years … all through high school, performing, competing and even taking part in master classes. I had the passion, and I also thought that I could make it my career. I also did musical theater, and loved singing.
But I realized that if I took up music as a career, it would become a JOB, and I worried that it would cause that passion to disappear. I didn’t ever want to practice because I *had to, or be judged on something so close to my heart.
So I majored in something else, and now have a career I love and a musical passion that I can turn to when other things in life let me down.
Hope that helps!
I know i’m a bit late on this post, but i’m trying to catch up after being gone for a few days. i know you found some new interests in a college where you couldn’t pursue them. but what about now? maybe taking some night classes (perhaps employer would pay?) or volunteering with someone to learn more about what it’s really like day to day and whether it’s something you’d really want to do…
i’m always of the sentiment that you should love what you do, but I also realize that sometimes financially that is not always possible. sometimes life’s a balance, and takes searching for that one job that really fits. luck and prayer help, too! I am feeling a little shriveled, too, but am trying to get the most out of this post-doc experience and reevaluate then…
I wanted to comment on the aspect of your post where you came to realize that fluting professionally was not for you and you had to figure out (still are trying) what it was you wanted to do with your life. I am only commenting because I had a similar experience. I was a lawyer once, and I quit. It wasn’t like your love of flute or anything, but still, it was what I had planned to do with my life and then it was sort of shocking to realize that wasn’t going to be my life, that all my plans and schedules for life were out the window. I am not going to say it will be alright, but I do think you will find happiness and make the best decision.
I also wanted to comment on this part, “Whether it be an old director or an old friend, I almost get embarassed, ashamed that I don’t know what career path to pursue anymore.” I’ve felt the exact same thing. Having to explain to people why I am not a lawyer and feeling like a failure in the process. Please don’t do that to yourself. If you decide you don’t want to play the flute, accept your choice and don’t be embarassed. You will do what is best for you.